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Seriously? Why me?

Updated: Jan 22

A moment when reality was shaken by my Abuela's truth and how it has come to be.

When I was about 15yrs old, I had a particular conversation with my dear Abuela. I’d asked why my life had been and continued to be so difficult as compared to my friends. They had nice mothers who didn’t criticize and undermine, lived in the same home for more than 72 hours and weren’t transferred from school to school weekly, were able to speak to and play with their fathers, had straight blonde hair that could be feathered and lastly, all owned a pair of Levi jeans!

Abuela explained, “In life, every single person has their own “customers”. There is a thread that runs from our first breath until our last. Along this thread, between the two breaths we have our own unique collection of people who cross in and out of our lives. Some will cross as friends, others as lovers, the impactful strangers, coworkers and so on. Regardless of who they are, how long they stay or how we feel about them, we will be required to act according to each situation and what it demands of us. The reason each of us has our own unique life experiences, is so that we gain a clear understanding of ourselves, suffering and how to rise despite it. This is how we can help others.”

Not satisfied, I asked, “But why me? Why have I suffered so much?”

Abuela responded, “Because God has given you that many more people to help. Your path is a helping one and there are many kinds of people in the world with equally as many problems. He knows that you are strong enough to handle everything that will be required of you in this lifetime.”

The simplicity of her response actually made sense but it did not make me feel any better. It was terrifying to be told you have been given the task of helping many when coping with my own life was already more than a handful! Having endured a boat load of pain and hardship, sexual and physical abuse, emotional and mental challenges and the tremendous sense of guilt and worthlessness as a result of, I had no desire let alone the wherewithal at how the hell I was going to help anyone else! Surely God had made a mistake.

Reflecting, I have to laugh at my naiveté. If my younger self had known then what lay ahead, I may not have continued the journey at all. My path has been an extremely painful and difficult one and yet, everything had a purpose. The instability experienced in childhood has taught me to adapt and listen to my intuition. The agents, labels and other slithering creatures in the entertainment world, try as they may to exploit, were never scarier than my birth mother. The years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse gave me a thick skin that buffered but also prepared for many knives that would be sharpened to cut me at a moment’s notice.

I have been a broken, fucking mess in this lifetime but after all is said and done, I love the skin I am in. My smile is genuine as are my tears and laughter. Stubborn and at times quirky, I can blow like a volcano yet never carry a grudge. I adore my nose stud and have walked away from an amazing opportunity when asked to remove it. My lungs are solid and strong, capable of belting a song or speaking for hours on the phone with a friend. My hands, although small are always creating or touching items in every shop I enter. My arms are thin and long, and I have ugly dancer’s feet that I adore! My short hair has had men call me rude names thinking I was a gay male, threatening to “rearrange my face” and then apologize after I’d set them straight; believe it or not, I’ve had a few close calls here! Then there’s the simple fact my meat suit has seen 6 car accidents, has had bouts of bronchitis, pneumonia and severe allergic reactions not to mention the falls and breaks and yet I wouldn’t change one iota.

Within this avatar is a 50 carat diamond, my heart. This loyal and tailor-made, fist-sized beating muscle of emotion and electricity is a precious gift from God. It has accompanied me without a skip along my path and knows me better than I know myself. It’s musical rhythm continues to whisper the promise of a new day but it has also screamed and banged against bony walls when I was numb to the world and wanting to exit it. It has pulsed with enough force to move me to tears and has reminded me how alive I am and capable of having a positive impact upon another’s pain. I am a child of the universe and though it's taken years, I love all parts of me. I've realized how incredibly strong and wise I am.

If you have lost faith in life, in love and in your own heart’s whispers, reach out. I promise to listen, help and accompany you. You are not alone.

Deborah Ledon is an award-winning entertainer, songwriter, teacher, and speaker. Her extraordinary journey has been filled with passion, faith, painful endings, madness, and forgiveness. This is her story of taking chances, breaking free of familial expectations—and those we set for ourselves—of breaking the mold and learning to take the high road, despite the monsters along the way. #thepositivetransformationcoach #intuitivehealer #positivetransformation #energyworker #lightworker #empath #intuitivecoach

Gal pal writer, music connoisseur, social media expert, and brilliant babe, Christine Bode edited this article while looking for things others cannot see. Read more on Christine here: Bodacious Copy

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